May 15, 2012

Cautionary Tale

Weddings are important for a lot of people involved- parents, grandparents, siblings- not just the bride and groom, and it's easy to feel pressured to make everyone feel happy and involved.

I ran into this situation with wedding dress shopping. My mother very much wanted that to be a mother/daughter only experience, but Mr. B's mom also really wanted to be involved. Both women felt strongly, and I was feeling the pressure on both sides. I was also nervous because Mr. B's mom has a little bit of a blabbing habit at times.
FMIL B eventually wore us down though, and we brought her along for a trip.

A mistake, as not even two hours after returning from the store, she described the entire experience to Mr. B and his dad, detailing a contender dress' price, veil, and beaded sash.

So I decided not to involve her again. I didn't even tell her when we found, and bought, my real dress.

But when it came in, she started asking to come to fittings, which I ignored until she eventually came to me in tears, saying that she felt like I didn't want her to see the dress. I should have been strong and honest and explained I wanted it to be a surprise, but instead, I caved, and invited her to the next fitting.

She came, and swore up and down she wouldn't say anything to anyone, and it seemed fine. My mother even admitted we were probably causing more bad feelings by being so secretive. Everything seemed okay.
Till this weekend, when I was driving back from dinner with Mr. B and his parents. His mom's friend had gotten a dress for the wedding that was ivory and shared some similarities to my dress*, and Mr. B's mom told me the story and all about this girl's dress, saying, "You'd be so proud of me, I didn't tell her anything! Even though the dress is the same color as yours! And even though it has this detail that's similar to yours!" etc, etc. All while Mr. B sat in the back of the car, listening to everything.

In one fell swoop of a stupid, pointless, not even remotely interesting story, she blew it all. Mr. B coughed loudly in the back, reminding her that he was in the car, and she stopped dead and said, "Oh my gosh" realizing what she had just done.

Everyone started yelling at her and she kept apologizing. It was a supremely awkward, tense car ride. She felt really bad, I could tell, and kept apologizing repeatedly.

I do know it was an accident, but that's exactly the kind of thing I expected from her, and the reason I hesitated on involving her. I'm really upset that some of my dress may be given away to Mr. B, and I feel upset that I ruined a mother-daughter thing my mom wanted.

I mentioned before how I got suckered into inviting a close friend's ex to my wedding, and just like that situation, I really regret not just standing up for myself. I felt strongly about not wanting her involved, but I was afraid to offend his family and afraid to look like a Bridezilla, especially since I knew I had been very Type A, possibly slightly bossy, on a lot of details so far. But you know what? We're getting married and I'm not going anywhere. It would have been okay to stand up for myself, and if she got upset about it, too bad.

I'm not writing this to complain about FMIL B, I'm just writing this to warn other brides that if you feel strongly, don't worry about what someone else thinks. YBe true to yourself and don't worry about offending or annoying people, because you inevitably will anyway.

*What the F$#%?!

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