Ceremony Readings

Choosing our readings was my favorite part of planning our ceremony, although it was tough- there's so much great wisdom in the Bible that it was hard to narrow down just two passages to share with a group of people who most likely never pick the book up. If I had my way, there'd be like eight readings (and an audience that actually pays attention).

We used the collection of standard Catholic readings, and did one Old Testament reading, something that would appear in the Torah to represent Mr. B's Jewish heritage, and one New Testament reading to rep my Catholic heritage. 

I wanted to avoid the beautiful but overused 1 Corinthians, so I decided to hunt down a reading that would explain the type of lifestyle Mr. B and I would strive to live with each other and within our community. I had options from Hebrews, Colossians, Phillippians, but we finally settled on Romans 12:9-18, text below:

Let love be sincere;

hate what is evil,

hold on to what is good;

love one another with mutual affection;

anticipate one another in showing honor.

Do not grow slack in zeal,

be fervent in spirit,

serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope,

endure in affliction,

persevere in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the holy ones,

exercise hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you,

bless and do not curse them.

Rejoice with those who rejoice,

weep with those who weep.

Have the same regard for one another;

do not be haughty but associate with the lowly;

do not be wise in your own estimation.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil;

be concerned for what is noble in the sight of all.

If possible, on your part, live at peace with all.

Mr. B made the final call on our Old Testament reading, and chose the classic Genesis 2:18-24:

The Lord God said: “It is not good for the man to be alone.

I will make a suitable partner for him.”

So the Lord God formed out of the ground

various wild animals and various birds of the air,

and he brought them to the man to see what he would call them;

whatever the man called each of them would be its name.

The man gave names to all the cattle,

all the birds of the air, and all the wild animals;

but none proved to be the suitable partner for the man.

So the Lord God cast a deep sleep on the man,

and while he was asleep,

he took out one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.

The Lord God then built up into a woman the rib

that he had taken from the man.

When he brought her to the man, the man said:

“This one, at last, is bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

This one shall be called ‘woman,’

for out of ‘her man’ this one has been taken.”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother

and clings to his wife,

and the two of them become one body.

I'm glad he picked this, as the idea of us leaving our families and becoming a unit is a lesson we've been learning firsthand as we settle into living together. I like that the reading is directly applicable to us.

Okay, and I'm including a bonus reading (woo hoo!), this was my favorite from the OT. It's Tobit 8:4-8:

On their wedding night Tobiah arose from bed and said to his wife,

"Sister, get up. Let us pray and beg our Lord

to have mercy on us and to grant us deliverance."

Sarah got up, and they started to pray

and beg that deliverance might be theirs.

They began with these words:

"Blessed are you, O God of our fathers;

praised be your name forever and ever.

Let the heavens and all your creation

praise you forever.

You made Adam and you gave him his wife Eve

to be his help and support;

and from these two the human race descended.

You said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone;

let us make him a partner like himself.'

Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine

not because of lust,

but for a noble purpose.

Call down your mercy on me and on her,

and allow us to live together to a happy old age."

Isn't that what we all want? To live with each other happily until we're old as hell? So nice!

 Did you go secular or traditional with your readings?

Our Ceremony Plan

I am sure I've shared this before, but Mr. B and I are having an interfaith Catholic/Jewish wedding, which basically means that we have to create our ceremony plan from scratch. It can be kind of overwhelming- not only do you have to learn your own traditions (which, let's face it, most of us don't know those in quite as much detail as we should), but you have to learn someone else's. And then you have to combine them in a way that is fair to all religions, doesn't offend your officiant or old fashioned relatives, and works for you as a couple.


Sticking to tradition made things easier for us. I used a book called Celebrating Interfaith Marriages to figure out the most important elements of a Catholic wedding and the most important parts of a Jewish wedding, and different ways to order them. We structured everything like a Mass, got everything approved by our officiants (a Catholic deacon and Jewish cantor), and now we're good to go.


For other interfaith Catholic/Jewish brides, here's what we chose to do:

Processional

Opening remarks

Opening blessing

Acknowledgement of Separate Faiths

This is a short statement that will acknowledge that we're bringing together two different religious traditions- just in case anyone doesn't know. 

Blessing over wine
This is a standard Jewish tradition.

First Reading, Old Testament 

Second Reading, New Testament

Remarks

Our version of a homily. Still working out which officiant will do this, but whoever it is will give some personal remarks about us as a couple and hopefully relate them to our readings.

Prayer of Faithful/General Intercession

For you Catholics, this is the "Lord hear our prayer" part. I'll include the text of this since I really like it:

For leaders of Church and State, for heads of institutions, for heads of homes and households… that they will lead us and guide us in the search for goodness, joy, and love among us- Let us pray to the Lord.

For all married people:  for those who married yesterday, for the new couple Tracy and Brad, married today, for those who will marry tomorrow… that they may savor the joy of being together, warm love and children, a long life, friends, and a new day, every day- let us pray to the Lord.

For our relatives and friends who walk with us on life’s journey, and for those who have gone before us to the other side of life.  For the fulfillment of all their unfulfilled desires- let us pray to the Lord.

Vows

We'll be using standard "Do you take...in sickness and in health, etc" vows.

Exchange of Rings
In the Jewish faith, this is the part where you are really bound before God.

Pronouncement of Marriage

Kiss

Closing blessing

Glass Breaking

A Jewish tradition that marks the end of the ceremony- Mr. B will stomp on a glass, everyone will scream Mazel Tov, and we'll recess on over to the partay.

The big thing we left out was the Sheva Brachot, or seven blessings. I think it's a good thing to do if you have a lot of family or friends that you want to include in the ceremony, but we left it out in the interest of keeping the ceremony to only 30 minutes.

So that's our interfaith mix. Other interfaith brides, how did you design your ceremony? Were your officiants laid back about things?

Required Reading: Interfaith Edition

This particular post may not apply to everyone, but if you are in an interfaith relationship (well, more specifically a Christian/Jewish one), I wanted to share a few books that I found to be very helpful. Also I apologize in advance for the lack of pictures, Blogger's acting funny tonight.

So first things first: the ceremony. I'm using Celebrating Interfaith Marriages: Creating Your Jewish/Christian Ceremony by Rabbi Devon Lerner. The book provides different options and ideas for creating a balanced ceremony that respects both religions' traditions (and families, a big consideration). She includes some sample ceremony ideas, as well as some options for readings. Plus it has info for all branches of Christianity, whether Catholic, Baptist, whatever. Though we have some rules set by our officiants, the book is really helpful for putting together the rest of our ceremony.

And then once you're married, Joan C. Hawxhurst's Interfaith Family Guidebook is a good resource for what comes next. It explains some of the issues interfaith couples may face, some of which never really occurred to me. Plus, it really stresses the importance of open discussion (ie, being able to admit to each other you might just have a complete bias) as well as how to make the discussions productive. It also goes into how holidays can be celebrated, and how to manage family, as interfaith issues can cause problems among family members. It also includes lots of additional resources, like books or websites, for interfaith couples. Just a note, it's out of print, so you do have to get it used Amazon.

If you happen to be in a relationship with someone Jewish (or I guess also if you're interesd in Judaism or Jewish yourself), I highly recommend The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Judaism by Rabbi Ben Blech. This book was so interesting. The author goes through the basic beliefs of Judaism, like Jewish beliefs on Creation, marriage, family, and kosher laws, as well as details the many different Jewish holidays. He tells tons of little parables, includes lots of history and tradition, and the "whys" behind things. I especially love how meaningful and symbolic so many elements of Judaism are. As a pretty strong Catholic I'm not looking to convert, but I found so many things in this book that enhanced or strengthened my current beliefs. It also helped me form a mental outline of which particular holidays we could celebrate, and how.  I've already warned Mr. B's family that we're taking Hanukkah this year!

Conversely, the Idiot's Guide to Catholicism kind of sucked. It lacked the real-life application like the Judaism book had, and really just went into lectures on the politics and history of the Church, Vatican 2, whatnot, with surprisingly not enough actual Jesus. Beyond the New Testament, I can't really suggest a good guide for Christian/Catholic stuff right now, but hey, the NT has all you really need, right?

The Jewish Parts of Our Ceremony

Ketubah, the traditional Jewish wedding contract (Source)

Last night, we met our cantor for the first time. I’ll admit I was a bit nervous for this; I had heard through the grapevine that he might hassle us on the religion of our nonexistent kids, but luckily that didn't happen. He does seem stricter than our deacon in terms of adherence to rules and tradition, but I think we'll all be able to work together. 

One thing I did love was how our cantor went step-by-step through the elements of a Jewish ceremony, everything in insane detail.  I have only been to two weddings in my life, so I don’t even know the elements of my own faith’s ceremony, let alone someone else’s. His full on explanation really helped me begin to picture the actual ceremony, which as of yet I have not done (I know, I know it’s the most important part).

Some traditions we’ll be including:

A Chuppah (Source)

Chuppah: wedding canopy that we’ll get married under, believe it represents our future home. (I’ve been working with our florist on it, and it is going to be AWESOME).

Kiddushin: blessing and drinking of wine, followed by the exchange of rings, the “biggie” part of a Jewish ceremony. We take turns reciting an Aramaic phrase, followed by its English translation, and place the rings on each other’s hands. The cantor had us practice this; my Aramaic needs work.

Yihud: 5 minutes of privacy with my groom immediately following the ceremony. I think this will be a nice opportunity to make out reflect on our ceremony.

Tzedaka: this is a charitable donation we give in honor of our marriage. It won't be mentioned at our ceremony, but I thought at a time when we're spending boatloads on a wedding, it's nice to remember and help others too.

We’ll be skipping some other traditions, such as having our parents under the chuppah with us- that’s just too many people up there. We also won't have a traditional ketubah, though we will have a similar type of document that displays the Hebrew text of our Old Testament reading.  And I’ll be rocking a diamond wedding band, rather than the traditional unadorned band (I’m into working with other traditions but I have my limits, and a lack of diamonds is one of them!)

So now we just have to figure out how to combine everything...

FOCCUS Recap

Last night, Mr. B and I met with our deacon to take the FOCCUS test, which is a compatibility inventory the Catholic church makes you take before you get married. Its goal is simply to help couples figure out what topics they need to discuss more; it doesn’t indicate future marital success or failure. Since it seems to be something that a lot of people are nervous or confused by, I thought I’d discuss our experience.

The test was straightforward. We answered a battery of 164 questions (took about 20 minutes) on various aspects of marriage, including children, money management, our relationship, attitudes, sex, and for us, a special section on interfaith couples (he's Jewish, I'm Catholic). You fill out a Scantron form, agreeing, disagreeing, or claiming uncertainty on the statement. Some sample statements include:

·         We are in agreement about the roles of husband and wife in our marriage relationship

·         I am concerned that in-laws may interfere in our marriage

·         My future spouse and I agree that our marriage commitment means we intend to pledge love under all circumstances.

·         We are open to having children

·         I want a strong sexual relationship (my super mature response to that question was to text Mr. B during the test saying, “Eeek a sex question!”)

·         I am concerned about my partner’s gambling/drug/drinking habits

The test basically looks like this:

 

Source

It gets scored by the FOCCUS people and returned to our deacon, who calls us if there's anything he wants us to discuss, or leaves us alone if he thinks we did fine.

My parents were horrified at the whole idea of the FOCCUS, calling it an “invasion of privacy” and “none of the church’s business.” Honestly, I feel exactly the opposite- I think the church is simply recognizing how many failed marriages there are, and is just trying to give us as as good of a start as they can. I thought it was a good idea, and Mr. B, ever the good sport, agreed, even calling it "fun."

Afterward, we did discuss some of our interfaith issues with the deacon, who I really, really like. He’s an old Jersey City cop with a booming voice, and I find him to be extremely respectful, helpful, and fair to both our religions. He gave us a lot of advice on our situation, underscoring it all with the idea that a happy and working marriage was the paramount concern, and that religion should bring us together, not apart. He told us we should make sure our kids learn about and celebrate the holidays of both, but gave us no pressure on which one to choose. 

Anyway, our interfaith situation has made me obsessed with learning more about our religions. In keeping with today's Catholic theme, here's some marriage prep sites I've found, which at the very least might be some food for thought during a slow workday!

• Catholic Wedding Help: Rules, planning help, answers to questions, and wedding resources such as vows, music, and programs.
• For Your Marriage: Catholic marriage website with resources, discussions, and articles for engaged and  married couples, and couples with kids.
• FOCCUS: the test's website

Anyone else take the FOCCUS yet? Did you like or hate that it was a requirement?

Interfaith Issues

Mr. B and I are part of an interfaith couple- he’s  Jewish and I’m Catholic. Like many couples, this doesn’t pose an issue when it’s just us- I join in his holiday celebrations, and he joins in mine. It worked, or at least it did until we realized we’re going to want kids eventually, and we need to figure out what to raise them.

 Source