Our Guest List Drama

I'm learning from my engaged friends that the guest list is one of those wedding elements that's automatically touchy. My friend Jenna's want lots of guests but won't contribute money. Another friend argues with her fiancé over whether or not they should be inviting people from work, which would add around 20 to their list.

Mr. B and I struggle with guest list number. My small family is inviting 50, Mr. B and I are inviting 44, Mr. B's parents are inviting a whopping 150 people.

Thanks to our high guest minimum (we have to guarantee 225 guests), this is not as big of an issue as it could be. But it was still something I really had to adjust to, given that there's about 40 people on the list that I've never actually met. Mr. B's parents throw parties all the time, so it seems odd to me that in six years of dating and attending family parties, so many people who live locally are basically strangers to me. I'm frustrated, but they're also paying for half the wedding, so I can't really do much.

Then there's the issue of a close family friend of theirs that I strongly dislike. Mr. B's mom's best friend's son (following that?) is my best friend's ex. They had a particularly awful breakup that took her years to get over, and the way everything went down, she basically wound up looking dumped, and heartbroken. She's moved on and is engaged now, but I am conscious of the fact that it could be uncomfortable for her to see him. He's also always been extremely rude to me since their break up, avoiding eye contact in church and the like. So in my eyes, he has no place at our wedding.

In FMIL's eyes, it's unfathomable and offensive to her best friend to say that her son is not welcome. And I do understand FMIL's feelings. They're close, friends a long time, and I know her friend tends to be a bit of a drama queen, so I don't doubt there might be a war for her over this. Either way, one of us is in a tricky situation with our best friend.

Mr. B thinks that if we don't invite this guy, everyone will know it's because of my friend, and it will have the effect of making her look pathetic and not over it, the opposite of the truth. He seems to think the way to look at it is "it was five years ago, no one should care anymore," and that we should just act as if it never happened, that even if it's uncomfortable for her it makes a better appearance to just suffer through him. Mr. B's parents are also really upset at the idea of not inviting this guy.

I've discussed this at length with my friend, and being the person that she is, her concern was me- that she felt bad that I was in this position, she understood if I had to invite him, etc. She said she doesn’t like to see him, but reasoned that if he was at our wedding, she probably wouldn’t really have to interact with him in a group of over 200. Plus it is a 50/50 shot of him actually coming (he knows no one besides his parents at our wedding).

It's hard to explain the subtleties of the situation in a blog post, but as of now, we plan to invite him. After some minor standing up for me, Mr. B really didn't agree with me and I guess basically decided he's on team FMIL. I'm feeling a lot of remorse over the situation. I hate the idea of looking like the bad guy to my future inlaws, prolonging the old bad feelings by not inviting him to the wedding, acting like we can't all grow up and move on. Their breakup was almost seven years ago. But at the same time, I really worry that even though my friend seems supportive, I'm making the wrong call and failing some type of test of being there for her. She is one of my best and oldest friends, the only one I have left where our relationship has not been strained at all by us growing up and getting married. I would hate if this situation changed that. This has also caused arguments between me and Mr. B. I really don't know what the right call is. To a degree Mr. B is right, it might make my friend look like she still cared. And it would cause a lot of problems for his parents. But it will probably bug her a little to see him too at the wedding. And I don't particularly care for him, though if he comes I don't even plan to say hello, so I suppose he won't be in my way.

Ugh. So that's my story. Vent your guest list woes below please!

Friendship Changes

At my first job, I shared a cube with a girl named Cindy, who had the most gorgeous wedding ever, a destination in the Bahamas. I loved to look at her pictures.

I noticed in the ceremony shots she surrounded entirely by guys. “Where’s your bridal party?” I asked.

She explained that they decided to have her husbands’ two brothers as best men, and her best friend of 17 years as her maid of honor, except the girl was clearly nowhere to be found.

“She got married and stopped talking to me” Cindy explained, as if this was totally normal.

I was confused. “That doesn’t make sense.”

Cindy told me that she’d been the maid of honor in her best friend’s destination wedding 8 months prior, but by the time it was her turn, her friend was settled into married life, spending her time with her husband and their families. She said her friend barely returned her calls, and had very little interest in keeping the friendship up. By the time Cindy’s wedding rolled around, their friendship was in such disrepair that the girl wasn’t even invited.

Okay look, I don’t know Cindy or her friend too well; her story may have more to it,  but I was 22 and fresh out of college when I heard this, and it totally freaked me out. My life was still about being attached to my roommates, bonding over dollar mugs of beer and Sunday movie marathons. I couldn’t imagine the idea of that any of it changing. Cindy had always struck me as a bit odd, so I shrugged off the story, assuming that kind of thing didn’t happen to, well, more normal people.

Yeeeeah… it does. (You knew that was coming, right?)  I haven’t had a situation quite as dramatic as Cindy’s, but I notice changes in other areas. Some friendships change because we’re in different life circumstances, and either can’t or don’t want to bother understanding each other. Some friends fade more, when you realize who you really have time for. And some friendships I took for granted I’m now realizing are the best ones I have.

One of said dollar mug drunk nights

I’m changing too. I notice myself actively disengaging from certain people. Mr. B and I have a hilarious and awesome group of guy friends, who I used to have personal relationships with. I think they’re awesome but I have less in common with them. Their lives are about picking up girls in a West Village bar until 4 am, which is cool for them, but I’m more likely to get my panties in a bunch over the latest issue of Food and Wine (I really wish I was kidding).

So things do change. At 22, it never occurred to me I’d stop dressing up in spiky heels and pregaming on $4 champagne. Or at least, I didn’t know it would end quickly. I miss it sometimes, but I’m also different too, learning more about myself, my friendships, and my priorities. And you know what? I’m still lucky enough to be surrounded by great people.

And if I need to revert back, I am only a 10 minute train ride from those West Village bars.

 The drinking buddies at a bar night in Cabo last month

Have you seen changes in your friendships as you’ve gotten older and/or engaged?

Really Good Advice

 A while back I posted some questionable marriage advice I’d gotten from random people. Now I want to post the only useful advice I’ve gotten, courtesy of my dad (who has been married to my mom for 37 years).

(Photoshop skillz)

It sounds so simple, but I find it deceptively hard. I mean, don't we often automatically and subconsciously put ourselves first? Take our second week of living together: Mr. B had his last softball doubleheader of the year, and he planned to play. When I found that out, I freaked a little bit. I was nervous being home alone in a new place (I know, I know, grow a set) and offended that he'd want to play when he could be home watching me blowdry my hair and go to bed early.

We argued back and forth a little, he played, I stewed for a day or two, then we moved on. But if we were thinking about each other, not ourselves, I'd realize it was fun and important to him, and he'd realize I felt unsettled and just needed a little extra support. Maybe we could've compromised on him playing only one game: he'd get to play, and he'd be home before I fell asleep. It's maybe a silly example, but these are the kinds of little things that come up all the time, and I do think these little, everyday things are often what your relationship builds on.

Anyone else find this easier said than done sometimes?

I Love Mr. B

Lately, as we get going on our lives together, I am extremely aware of how lucky I am to have someone like Mr. B in my life, and I’ve been feeling more appreciative than ever.

I am grateful for the way Mr. B indulges me in the things I like to do. Even though he is happiest at home on the couch with his guitar and his dog, he's always up for anything I suggest. He could care less about food but takes me to every foodie place that I 'need' to check out. He rides shotgun when the mood to drive around the shore towns strikes, and he follows me as I snap away with the camera, attempting to document my beloved Jersey Shore. He comes for beach trips in the middle of January, he lights up the firepit during a July heatwave because I want to sit outside and drink beer. And he always remembers to buy my favorite cheese for a fireside snack. But best of all he has fun doing it, because we're together.

  One of those wintertime beach trips

Sometimes I'm not good enough about showing him the same courtesy, when I complain that I can't deal with another Wilco/Hard Lessons/Tally Hall concert, or find myself in a cranky mood because I'm not feeling what we have planned for the night. Mr. B is so even-keeled, always happy, always relaxed, rarely worried, and I think that's one of my favorite things about him. We gravitate towards our opposites, and my mood is constantly flipping between psychotically happy, crazy anxious, or just plain tired. I am an eternal worrier, and I need my other half to fill in this gap, to teach me how to relax, to calm my  nerves and to balance me out. My dad told me the secret to a happy marriage is to put the other person's needs above your own, and for them to do the same (and my parents have been married a looong time!), and Mr. B just does that naturally.

 Putting up with my shenanigans...clearly this is the psycho happy variety

Sometimes it is his actions and the things he doesn't say- when he knows I want something and he doesn't and he just keeps his mouth shut and lets me be. Or the way he's learned and acts on little things about me, like the fact that I NEED to eat breakfast first thing in the morning or I will go crazy.  Or when I just need to rant and rant about something awesome I’ve read/discovered/decided (Boy, I'm really a catch aren't I!) Once he even surprised me, out of nowhere, with Bruce Springsteen tickets!

I love so many other things about Mr. B. He's been a great partner so far in setting up our apartment. I love how we have kind of naturally and evenly divided the work. I'm really thankful he has an awesome job, works hard, and does well (On that note, I am grateful for the career decisions he didn't go through with too).I'm lucky to have found someone who knows me inside and out, who doesn't blink at things I do or say that I cringe over later, someone who is the only person I can tell everything to, someone who I can sit on the couch with and talk to for hours before we even realize we forgot to put the TV on.

I love that he has his own hobbies, playing in a band and on a softball team, and that he understands my need for space and gives me my time to read or shop or see the girls.  I love that he knows when to listen to me vent and when to be constructive, and I love the hilarious emails he sends me every morning that are the first thing I see when I check my email at work.

I could go on and on, but we’d be here for days, so you guys tell me: What kicks ass about your fiances?

Love you!

Required Reading: Interfaith Edition

This particular post may not apply to everyone, but if you are in an interfaith relationship (well, more specifically a Christian/Jewish one), I wanted to share a few books that I found to be very helpful. Also I apologize in advance for the lack of pictures, Blogger's acting funny tonight.

So first things first: the ceremony. I'm using Celebrating Interfaith Marriages: Creating Your Jewish/Christian Ceremony by Rabbi Devon Lerner. The book provides different options and ideas for creating a balanced ceremony that respects both religions' traditions (and families, a big consideration). She includes some sample ceremony ideas, as well as some options for readings. Plus it has info for all branches of Christianity, whether Catholic, Baptist, whatever. Though we have some rules set by our officiants, the book is really helpful for putting together the rest of our ceremony.

And then once you're married, Joan C. Hawxhurst's Interfaith Family Guidebook is a good resource for what comes next. It explains some of the issues interfaith couples may face, some of which never really occurred to me. Plus, it really stresses the importance of open discussion (ie, being able to admit to each other you might just have a complete bias) as well as how to make the discussions productive. It also goes into how holidays can be celebrated, and how to manage family, as interfaith issues can cause problems among family members. It also includes lots of additional resources, like books or websites, for interfaith couples. Just a note, it's out of print, so you do have to get it used Amazon.

If you happen to be in a relationship with someone Jewish (or I guess also if you're interesd in Judaism or Jewish yourself), I highly recommend The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Judaism by Rabbi Ben Blech. This book was so interesting. The author goes through the basic beliefs of Judaism, like Jewish beliefs on Creation, marriage, family, and kosher laws, as well as details the many different Jewish holidays. He tells tons of little parables, includes lots of history and tradition, and the "whys" behind things. I especially love how meaningful and symbolic so many elements of Judaism are. As a pretty strong Catholic I'm not looking to convert, but I found so many things in this book that enhanced or strengthened my current beliefs. It also helped me form a mental outline of which particular holidays we could celebrate, and how.  I've already warned Mr. B's family that we're taking Hanukkah this year!

Conversely, the Idiot's Guide to Catholicism kind of sucked. It lacked the real-life application like the Judaism book had, and really just went into lectures on the politics and history of the Church, Vatican 2, whatnot, with surprisingly not enough actual Jesus. Beyond the New Testament, I can't really suggest a good guide for Christian/Catholic stuff right now, but hey, the NT has all you really need, right?

Living Together

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Right now, Mr. B and I don’t live together. We grew up in the same town, and we’re still at home with our parents.

I’m still here for a lot of reasons: my job is local, I love where I live, I hate change, and I’m not big on New York either. Plus, I’m kind of old fashioned. So I stayed put. And Mr. B stayed put too, and that’s how things have been for the past three years since we graduated college.

I always planned to wait until marriage to live together. I thought it attached a lot of symbolism to our wedding, as only after it will we get to begin our lives together. I liked the idea of having a genuine honeymoon period, rather than experiencing our first few happy months together before we’re married, only to come back from the wedding and feel like nothing was different.

Plus, I didn’t have complaints about living at home. It’s been great for our finances and nice to spend time with our families. I felt pretty content with everything.

But it turned out I had to wrestle with the decision earlier than planned. My job was transferred to Maryland recently, and I was lucky enough to get a transfer to an office in North Jersey. It's too far to commute from where I live currently so...we’ve decided to begin looking for apartments together!

Given my stubbornness about not living together, I did struggle with this decision a lot. I was afraid it might take away the meaningfulness of our wedding. I worried that it wasn’t traditional or respectable to move in together. Plus, I wasn’t sure if it was hypocritical: I have some friends with a ‘boyfriend-won’t-propose/will moving in make that happen faster’ situations going on. I always advised them not to move in, and I wonder if my moving in earlier sent some kind of bad message. (I’ve decided no, we're engaged with major wedding plans underway, it is not the same thing as settling for living together because he refuses to propose. Besides they’re grownups and I doubt they care what I do!)

I’m really excited about this new development, and I’m surprised by how right it feels. As our relationship and engagement progresses, I am feeling the pain of not living together more often than I used to. I’m tired of waking up at 2 am from hanging out at his house and driving home. I miss him when he isn’t there. I’m sick of going to his house to see him and having to spend an hour chatting with the fam, petting the dog, etc. Our lives are beginning to change, and we can’t hold those off just because the party is 11 and a half months away. As much as I don’t mind being home, I am really ready to be on my own (I mean, come on, I am kind of old for it at this point!) I look forward to all of the little things that come along with us taking this step, and while it is not at the timing I had always planned or expected, I am really, really excited and hope that soon I have some concrete job and apartment news!

Did anyone else obsess about moving in together or is everyone else normal and just went with it? Anyone have any advice? I feel like Monica on Friends- "I have to live with a boy!"

FOCCUS Recap

Last night, Mr. B and I met with our deacon to take the FOCCUS test, which is a compatibility inventory the Catholic church makes you take before you get married. Its goal is simply to help couples figure out what topics they need to discuss more; it doesn’t indicate future marital success or failure. Since it seems to be something that a lot of people are nervous or confused by, I thought I’d discuss our experience.

The test was straightforward. We answered a battery of 164 questions (took about 20 minutes) on various aspects of marriage, including children, money management, our relationship, attitudes, sex, and for us, a special section on interfaith couples (he's Jewish, I'm Catholic). You fill out a Scantron form, agreeing, disagreeing, or claiming uncertainty on the statement. Some sample statements include:

·         We are in agreement about the roles of husband and wife in our marriage relationship

·         I am concerned that in-laws may interfere in our marriage

·         My future spouse and I agree that our marriage commitment means we intend to pledge love under all circumstances.

·         We are open to having children

·         I want a strong sexual relationship (my super mature response to that question was to text Mr. B during the test saying, “Eeek a sex question!”)

·         I am concerned about my partner’s gambling/drug/drinking habits

The test basically looks like this:

 

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It gets scored by the FOCCUS people and returned to our deacon, who calls us if there's anything he wants us to discuss, or leaves us alone if he thinks we did fine.

My parents were horrified at the whole idea of the FOCCUS, calling it an “invasion of privacy” and “none of the church’s business.” Honestly, I feel exactly the opposite- I think the church is simply recognizing how many failed marriages there are, and is just trying to give us as as good of a start as they can. I thought it was a good idea, and Mr. B, ever the good sport, agreed, even calling it "fun."

Afterward, we did discuss some of our interfaith issues with the deacon, who I really, really like. He’s an old Jersey City cop with a booming voice, and I find him to be extremely respectful, helpful, and fair to both our religions. He gave us a lot of advice on our situation, underscoring it all with the idea that a happy and working marriage was the paramount concern, and that religion should bring us together, not apart. He told us we should make sure our kids learn about and celebrate the holidays of both, but gave us no pressure on which one to choose. 

Anyway, our interfaith situation has made me obsessed with learning more about our religions. In keeping with today's Catholic theme, here's some marriage prep sites I've found, which at the very least might be some food for thought during a slow workday!

• Catholic Wedding Help: Rules, planning help, answers to questions, and wedding resources such as vows, music, and programs.
• For Your Marriage: Catholic marriage website with resources, discussions, and articles for engaged and  married couples, and couples with kids.
• FOCCUS: the test's website

Anyone else take the FOCCUS yet? Did you like or hate that it was a requirement?

Difficult Decisions

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The merging of two lives into one, while full of hopefulness and excitement, rarely goes smoothly. I think most couples can expect to run into a few roadblocks, whether it’s something small like arguing over the wagon wheel table, When Harry Met Sally style, or something more complex.


For Mr. B and I, the location of our jobs was the issue. In the area where we grew up, it’s basically expected that you go to college, get a job in New York City, and move there with your high school buddies. Mr. B was no different than anyone we knew: He graduated, got a great job at a big firm right in the middle of Times Square, and figured he’d move with all of our friends.

I went against the grain. I don’t know if it’s that I naturally don’t love cities or that I felt an inclination to hate on what everyone else was doing, (or maybe a combination of the two), but I had no interest in New York City. I took a job near the Jersey Shore, my favorite place in the world.

It could have been doable, but my job was transferred to Maryland when I started. The move wouldn’t happen for two years, which meant I had a long time to agonize over the stay-or-go decision. My gut reaction was, “There is no f’ing way I’m moving to Maryland, I’ll quit.” That lasted about six months, or basically until I realized I had a great job in a terrible economy. It was stable, I'd gotten a big promotion, and had great work/life balance.  I started to think that it was ridiculous to quit and move to a place I didn’t want to live. I thought that Mr. B should consider seeing if his company had a Baltimore office, or even taking a job at my company and moving. He claimed that while I had a network in Maryland already due to work, he had nothing- no family, no friends, and no definite job. "Our people are here" he told me. "You should stay here." 

We went back and forth for a year and a half. He was set on staying put. Some weeks I was positive I would have to break up with him if he couldn’t consider moving, other weeks I couldn’t imagine leaving Jersey, with or without him.  I struggled with why I was making the decision- if Brad weren’t an issue, would I move? Was I afraid to move, because I was afraid it would break us up, and if so, what did that say about our relationship? Was I ridiculous to make Mr. B a decision factor when we weren’t even engaged yet? And what about me? Could I realistically survive in rural Maryland when I was used to a super surburban Jersey mallrat lifestyle? 

Ultimately, Mr. B's actions led me to my decision. First, our friends all moved to the city, and he stayed put, not wanting to leave me alone. Considering how much he’d always wanted to live there, and how much easier his life could be if he avoided the 3 daily hours of commuting, that was a big decision that said more about his love for me than anything up to that point. A few months later, he offered apply to my office, see what happened, and said that if he got the job, we’d move.  As soon as he said that, I realized I didn’t want him to. I’m a Jersey girl, and I knew I couldn’t function in another state. I barely got through college in landlocked, horrible Philly.  All I wanted to know was that he loved me enough to change his life for me if we had to. And he showed me that he did.

We got engaged in early December, and I put in my notice in a few weeks later. I don't feel one bit of regret about this decision. Mr. B is doing extremely well in his career and moving up quickly, indicating a level of success greater than what would be possible in my company. it. I’ll be employed until my office physically shuts down, in another 8 months or so. I’m a little nervous about not finding a job, considering that I have no idea what I want to do, and that there aren’t exactly a plethora of jobs out there. It’s scary too that the fun of planning a wedding makes it easy to ignore the threat of looming unemployment.

But at the same time, I honestly kind of feel excited about the direction my life will take. Will I love New York? I don’t know. But I know I miss our friends that are there, and it really feels like I’m moving on to a place full of opportunities. We're going to have fun there. We’ll figure things out. And in the mean time, I’m happy to know we got through a big decision in a way that made me feel our love was even more solid, even though at the beginning of it, I thought it would break us up.